Protect Yourself from Date Rape
Say the word “rape”, and most people think of a random assault on a victim who was at the wrong place at the wrong time. But those types of horrendous acts only account for one in five cases in which a person forces sex upon another.
In most cases, women are raped by someone they know: a fellow student, a business acquaintance, a neighbor, a relative. And all too often it occurs on a date, where smiles and social courtesies, or the inkling of romance and attraction, end in sexual assault. No matter who the perpetrator is, rape is an act of violence – a violation of body and emotion, an obscene expression of one person’s lack of respect for another. All victims of rape suffer great emotional pain. But date rape victims usually feel guilt as well, doubting their own judgement and believing the assault was their fault. Whatever the circumstances, rape is never “asked for”, deserved, or justifiable. No matter how far things have gone, if a guy attempts to force you to go further when you have said no, he is committing a criminal act.
The Problem Is Getting WorseSexual assault is nothing new, but in recent decades women’s organizations and rape treatment centers have raised public awareness about the problem. Tragically, the odds are at least one in ten (some researchers say one in four) that a woman will be coerced into unwanted sex at some point in her life.
Plan Ahead and Avoid TroubleEstablish clear and unequivocal respect for your body, your life, and your future. Sexual pressure can be applied when you are unclear about your boundaries. A rapist will subject you to injury, humiliation, risk of pregnancy, disease, and years (or a lifetime) of emotional pain in exchange for a brief pleasure. That trade-off is completely unacceptable. No matter how desirable, popular, wealthy, or respectable a guy might appear, if he pressures you for sex, get away from him as fast and as safely as possible.
Respecting yourself means setting your own limits for physical contact. Stick to them and be willing to defend them! In setting your limits, keep the following in mind:
In most cases, women are raped by someone they know: a fellow student, a business acquaintance, a neighbor, a relative. And all too often it occurs on a date, where smiles and social courtesies, or the inkling of romance and attraction, end in sexual assault. No matter who the perpetrator is, rape is an act of violence – a violation of body and emotion, an obscene expression of one person’s lack of respect for another. All victims of rape suffer great emotional pain. But date rape victims usually feel guilt as well, doubting their own judgement and believing the assault was their fault. Whatever the circumstances, rape is never “asked for”, deserved, or justifiable. No matter how far things have gone, if a guy attempts to force you to go further when you have said no, he is committing a criminal act.
The Problem Is Getting WorseSexual assault is nothing new, but in recent decades women’s organizations and rape treatment centers have raised public awareness about the problem. Tragically, the odds are at least one in ten (some researchers say one in four) that a woman will be coerced into unwanted sex at some point in her life.
Plan Ahead and Avoid TroubleEstablish clear and unequivocal respect for your body, your life, and your future. Sexual pressure can be applied when you are unclear about your boundaries. A rapist will subject you to injury, humiliation, risk of pregnancy, disease, and years (or a lifetime) of emotional pain in exchange for a brief pleasure. That trade-off is completely unacceptable. No matter how desirable, popular, wealthy, or respectable a guy might appear, if he pressures you for sex, get away from him as fast and as safely as possible.
Respecting yourself means setting your own limits for physical contact. Stick to them and be willing to defend them! In setting your limits, keep the following in mind:
- Physical contact – even something as simple as holding hands – may be interpreted in ways you don’t intend. What you mean as “I like you” may be recieved as something completely different. It is better to express how you feel in words than through unclear – but potentially powerful – physical messages.
- To state the obvious, the events that lead to sex are progressive, gaining momentum like a car going down a steep hill. Once a given level of intimacy has been reached in a relationship, it is virtually impossible to “back up” to a more conservative one. Also, it is much harder to defend a boundary in the heat of the moment. This in no way excuses coerced sex. No matter how far things have gone, if a guy attempts to force you to go further when you have said no, he is committing a criminal act.
- All things considered, you are much better setting very conservative limits in any relationship. In the current epidemic of STDs, unplanned pregnancies, and distorted relationships, to assume that sex with one or more partners might be okay when everything “feels right” is both dangerous and short sighted. Saving the excitement and power of sexuality for a mutually exclusive, marital relationship is the only truly safe sex.
- If you must defend your limits, do so clearly and firmly. Vague gestures or hints will not get the point across and a weak or inconsistent response may cause some men to push even further. Say “Don’t do that again” or “I don’t like it when you do that”. Reinforce you message by using direct eye contact and cross-armed, square shouldered body language. State your feelings unequivocally – right off the bat.
- You are much better off dating someone you already know fairly well, rather than someone who is a casual or chance acquaintance.
- In general, multi-couple or group activities are less risky (and more fun) than single dates, especially for young teenagers.
- Single dates – especially first dates – should take place in public.
- Blind dates should be accepted only if the person carries the endorsement from someone you trust, and even then, these should not be single dates.
- Bring your own money. If you are in the early stages of a relationship, paying your own way helps establish your sense of self-control and independence. Even if your date is picking up the tab, you might need cash for transportation if things get out of hand.
- Stay sober. Alcohol and drugs cloud judgement and put you off guard and off balance. Career rapists use alcohol to lower a woman’s mental and physical resistance, and many unplanned date rapes occur involve the influence of a few drinks.
- Never leave a restaurant, party or other gathering with someone you just met.
- Trust your instincts. If you don’t feel right about the way a date is progressing, bail out. It’s worth a little awkwardness to avoid a sexual assault.
- Situations in which you do not feel on equal footing with your companion. Sexual pressure and rape are acts in which one person attempts to overpower another with words, threats or raw physical force. If you feel unequal, intimidated, awestruck or indebted some way to your date, your willingness to assert yourself may be weaker or delayed. Some unhealthy situations can occur if the date has a major difference in age, a position of authority or leverage over some part of your life. Also, some men believe that picking up the tab for an expensive or lavish date entitles them to a sexual “thank you”. It doesn’t, and if your date sends that message, don’t hesitate to tell him whats what. Similarly, declining a present that seems to have strings attached is a healthy form of setting your boundaries.
- Control Freaks. Look out if someone always insists on his way and ignores your likes and dislikes. If he shows contempt for your taste in restaurants, movies, and music, he is likely to have little respect for your boundaries in other areas. Also, beware of a person who tries to isolate you from your other friends and family, or who constantly bad-mouths them. If he wants you “all to himself”, chances are he will want “all of you” sexually, as well.
- Guys who are lewd, crude, and sexist. If your date tells off-color jokes, listens to sexually explicit music, likes pornography or makes degrading comments about women in general, it is likely that he has one or more “attitude diseases” regarding sexuality.
- Guys who are whiners and nudgers. Don’t waste your time with men who won’t accept you limits, who act wimpy or self-depreciating to win your sympathy, who beg and plead, or who trot out time-worn cliches in an effort to talk you into sex. “If you loved me, you’d do it” or “If you don’t, I’ll find someone who will” or “Trust me” are the phrases of losers and abusers.